Shaayari

"Why are you so silent?" She asked me ...

Dil mein jo ek baat hain, tumse bhala kaise kahun?

Mere paas alfaaz nahin, alfaazon mein wo baat nahi

Khaamoshi ko sun sako to, sun lo yeh khaamoshiyan

Isiliye khaamosh hun, aisi koi baat nahi

It rains, when I see you..

Didaar-e-husn se jo muhabbat barasti hain

To in bheege alfaazon ko tum shaayari samajh leti ho

The arrogant lover, he never gives up! Does he?

Teri berukhi ka, shikaayat kyan karun?

Kasoor bhala kyan tera, gar tujhe pyaar nahin?

Aisa to hain nahi, ki mujhme koi guroor nahin

Bas dil mera shisha nahin, aur tera dil patthar nahin

Don't judge me, I am what you made me..

Faqeer-e-qurbat ko tere, Qaafir na samajh
Mein peeta hu, tujhe paane ke liye

On distorted religious preaching..

Khuda ko jaanne wale, unko pyaare ho gaye

Abb to Qaafiron se unkaa paigaam milta hain

Nightingales of Hostel 5

The light of the day faded away as the Sun sank down and disappeared; the stars started to ornament the darkness of the sky; the wind became cooler and caressed our faces; Nuraz was singing his favorite songs with a quiet yet clear voice and also humming in between to cover up the forgotten lyrics. We were calmed down by all of these and forgot our fears for that moment. This was during June 1997, the first month of our hostel life. Ragging was at peak and we were sitting in a corner of the roof of our three-storied hostel building (H-5) to escape from the seniors for as long as we could.

Soon, Baldev & Jahnu also joined us. They sat beside Utpal quietly, not disturbing the harmony. We all were just acquaintances (or may be a little more) and were not so frank with each other until then.

Little later, Batuk also came and greeted us all. Had it been a Hindi movie script, I would have described his entry in a more dramatic way; with little more suspense; because, he is the hero of today's story. Batuk was (is) one of the most outgoing, informative, funny and lavish person in our group. In the last 15 days, since the time we first met him, he shared many of his life experiences and stories with us that reflected his enormous courage and wisdom. I must admit, he made me realize, how naive we were in front of him. Overall, Batuk was a very interesting person to be with and was truly a Gem in every-way, except that he had a "thing" for music. I said "thing" because there's no other word in the dictionary to define "Love" which is so pure & divine that it is greater than "Love" itself. Batuk knew every word of every song that each of us had ever heard of. And it was not only the lyrics, he knew every other details including the little stories behind them. His love for music had also made him criticize some of the most popular songs. As somebody rightly said - "Being critical of art is a way of showing art respect". The other day, Batuk was explaining how he thinks that if "Hotel California" had been sung half note below, the song could have achieved bigger success. However, when I asked, how he feels about Nuraz's singing skills, he simply smiled at me with a pity look and didn't say anything. I was humbled again.

Everything was going good until one day…
When he was made to sing to all of us, as part of the ragging.

I still remember those decade long 5 minutes. 

Flashback:
Senior asked Batuk to sing something.

Batuk said, 'Would you know my name'
then he suddenly shouted: 'If I saw you in heaven?'

I was not able to understand what he meant by that.

What? What are you saying moron? Start singing!! Senior commanded.

Batuk told again, 'Would it be the same'
and shouted: 'If I saw you in heaven?'

He closed his eyes and said few more sentences -
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven
would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?

He was trying to modulate his voice while speaking. He was out of breath at times. While shouting he used his nostrils to get the high pitch. It sounded as if someone is trying to tune the radio in a low frequency zone. The noise was quite disturbing.

SHUT THE FUCK UP! I can't take it anymore! Senior shouted and slapped him for all the torture.

Batuk later revealed that it was a song called "Tears in Heaven", he was singing. I never knew, there could a song, so punishing.

He also told us that the seniors do not understand good music.

Back to the hostel roof

Anyways, that was Batuk for you. He sat beside our talented singer Nuraz, who was also known for his short temper. Nuraz had a vein on his forehead which worked as a measuring device for his temper. The angrier he gets, the vein pops out more and becomes more distinct.

When Batuk settled down, Nuraz started his next song. The wind became more soothing by now and the sky was more magical. There was no way that a true lover of music could hold himself back from unleashing his emotions through a song, sung from his heart. Lost in the moment, Batuk also closed his eyes and started to sing along. Suddenly, we realized, the magic of the moment was not in the wind, or in the stars or even in the sky; it was in Nuraz’s voice and only in his unblended voice. Gradually, the magic got diluted and lyrics took over the tune. As if, we again entered into a low frequency zone and the radio was still on. Baldev got up and said he had something important to finish. After some time, Utpal & Jahnu also took leave as they had been assigned with some tasks by the seniors. Better late than never, I also remembered something which I had to do. Batuk was still in the meditative state and singing one after another. Nuraz had long given up and went silent. When I stood up and was about to leave, I saw Nuraz’s sparkling eyes in the darkness. It can’t be tears, I told myself to feel less guilty.  I knew, Nuraz will need to accompany him alone.

In the dining hall:
After an hour, we again met Nuraz in the dining hall. He was silent & red. I looked at the vein to confirm. Yes, it was popped up like never before. Utpal asked Nuraz if everything was fine, while grabbing another bite of dinner. Nuraz controlled his voice, yet strongly said: I got a severe headache, I’ll punch him in the face someday. On that, Utpal was about to chock and had to drink plenty of water. Nuraz remained serious till his headache was gone.

Wo bhi kyan din the!!

Dhin Chak Dhin Chak Zindegi
Hee Hee Hee Hee Hansti Thi
Najuk Mann Ki Bholi Khwaish
Tak Tak Tak Tak Daudti Thi

Chal Chal Chal Chal Ankhon Se
Pal Me Dard Sambhalti Thi
Tip Tip Karti Barish Mein
Chap Chap Sapne Kudakti Thi

Haaw Haaw Karke Bhoot Aaye To
Kambal Mein Chup Jata Tha
Tim Tim Tim Tim Taron Ko
Gun Gun Geet Sunata Tha

Tik Tok Tik Tok Ghariyan Sang
Hai Re! Bachpan Beet Gaya
Umar Dhali Aur Hum Haare
Khusihya Humse Rooth Gaya

Sun Sun Karti Sannata ye
Til Til Til Tarpati Hain
Dhak Dhak Dhadkan
Hum Hum Dard
Bachpan Yaad Dilati Hain

Maa Tere Anchal Mein Chup
Bilak Bilak Ke Rona Hain
Sukhi Huin Aankhon ko Phir
Chal Chal Kar Bhigona Hain

Nataraja - The Dance of Cosmos

Nataraja

O my Lord, Thy dance to the tune of life
Is a blissful dance over the illusive death
Thou hast destroyed and hast created
So the cosmos liveth with thine infused breath 

With thy hands, lifted for care 
Thou shalt protect and annihilate all fear 
The ego shalt uncoil as the snakes uncoil
From thy arms and thy braided hair 

Grant me peace, O creator of time
Our tired souls touch thy feet
With the sacred fire which thou carry
Bringest the change to make us complete 

My College Days - 06: Powerful Mr Buttocks & The Fearful Lot

I was not worried this time while going back to hostel. I didn't fear because I had forgotten to think about the seniors. So, I didn't have any dreaded thoughts that could trigger chain reactions in my brain which in turn results in release of chemicals that causes a racing heart, fast breathing and energized muscles. This phenomenon is called "fight-or-flight response" in scientific terms, which is said to be critical to any animal's survival. However, spiritual souls claim that this is the same phenomenon that doesn't let the humans live.

We all were just happy talking about the girls and the alphabets on their foreheads. Even Nuraz & Kanu, the two guys from Sainik School were enjoying it as much as we did. However, in the excitement I forgot to notice Jahnu that day. I was anyways going to ask Batuk about his opinion on him.

After reaching hostel we assembled for our attendance. Our commander led us to another group of super seniors and handed us over to them. Surprisingly, they were decent people. They called us by our actual names and they let us sit with them. They gave us valuable information about the college & academics. They recalled their initial days in the hostel and they laughed at each other. They didn't demand any respect as they were capable enough to respect themselves. The myth was broken, not all the seniors were bad. Good and bad are everywhere; good always remains good for no specific reason; bad however always finds a reason for its being. Good is pleasant and bad is so tedious. Their average looks gradually looked charming for their goodness. Even the one who appeared the darkest & the shortest of all in the entire hostel at the first,looked charming. I looked at him again; yes! he was still short & dark but he had the charm, he looked equally pleasant.

'I am the tallest & fairest person in my home.' He said, as he saw me looking at him repetitively. We tried not to laugh on this. It was fun with those boys, our minds were relaxed. We too felt like we were a part of the hostel, the younger ones.

When we got little comfortable, they also had requested us to perform something for them. We didn't want to let them down so we did what we could do best and yet tried to make it better. Nuraz sang with all his heart and maintained as much of a pleasant face as he could, Utpal told a joke and tried to make it funny too, Batuk narrated another English song in a much tolerable way, Golla (Baldev) also had over acted in a humorous play and tried not to make it serious. Every one of us performed something. Meanwhile, we heard the dinner bell from the dining hall. It was time for dinner and after that we had the meeting as commander had mentioned.

In the dining hall we had to stand in a queue and we were not encouraged to exchange our positions with anyone. The rules of the dining hall were equal for everyone. In the hall, none were allowed to come in pajamas. The food was low in salt, oil, color, aroma and mostly taste. There were few hostel menials who also had to distribute the food equally to 150 boarders. There were two big tables joined together in a row. Another table was kept separately in perpendicular to the joined ones. The separate table was meant for the senior most batch alone i.e. the fourth year batch students. The joined tables were for all of us. I was quite tempted to sit on that isolated table, though it had nothing special to it except that it was restricted. Restrictions are the cause of yearning. As humans we long for what we can't have. I thought to myself, what if someone fails in third year? Will he be allowed to sit on that special table along with his friends who got promoted to the fourth year? Perhaps, the rule was to encourage everyone to study hard and get there as soon as possible. It will take me three long years to get there, I sighed.

After dinner, we all had gathered for the daily meeting in the right hand side corner room of the ground floor. As expected, the second year students were waiting for us in there. They all had just become seniors and were filled with a sense of power. This power was not earned, it was given to them. “Power" in fact is a wonderful thing, it brings a sense of responsibility to a worthy person. But, if it falls in the wrong hands, it can cause evil. Power itself is not evil; it's like the sacred fire on which a man can be tested. An unworthy man can't hold this fire for long, soon they start to reveal themselves and the same fire annihilates them all. But for now, all of them were holding the fire. They looked like powerful commanders.

We all entered the room and placed ourselves on the floor. One of them started explaining about the daily meeting:

'Hi, I am Abdul. This meeting is not just a regular meeting. It's the soul of the induction process. This meeting is to teach you about discipline & respect. It is to make you humble. This meeting has a great value, which you can only realize in the years to come. During these two months, things can get worse and quitters will quit. It's easy to quit a temporary pain. But, this will permanently make you a quitter. However, the strong ones will learn to endure and will succeed in this test. '

It was a great speech, a motivating one. We got all our answers; we understood what pain he was talking about. But we were inspired by the speech. Our moist eyes were prepared to face our fear. 

Abdul continued: 

'Since this is the first day, we've just conducted a competition for you guys. It's for the prestigious title called "Shri Koti" which means "Mr. Buttocks".

'Yes, you heard it right, "Shri Koti". It's a traditional competition that we conduct in our hostel every year for the fresher. The rules of the game are simple: You just have to color your buttocks with blue ink and sit on a chart paper, this will make an imprint of your buttocks on the paper. Submit those papers tomorrow with us and mention your name on it, based on how beautifully you have captured the imprint, we'll decide who wins. I present before you our last years champion, Mr Balu. He will share his experience with you.'

We couldn't resist laughter. 

Balu came closer and smiled with pride. He indeed deserved that particular award. There was no competition for him. God had been additionally kind to him on this matter.

   

Balu said with utmost modesty, 'Guys, It was just a matter of luck'. He looked at Abdul and said, 'Others equally deserved.' Abdul however didn't look so happy with his modesty. He continued, 'If you still insist, I suggest you participate with your heart and soul. At the end, for any creative work, what matters is how much love you have put into it. Best of luck, guys'

He turned his back and went to his seat. I looked at Jahnu, he was looking at the wall with disgust. Sometimes, it's so hard to read people's mind, I thought.

It was however a pleasant end to our meeting and we were allowed to leave. But, many of us were tensed about the task we were assigned. The tips from Balu was also confusing, we were not sure where to put our love into, is it on the paper or into our buttocks?

to be continued...

My College Days - 05: First Day, First Class - Boys & Girls

With great difficulty I got up early next day as per the guidelines and went for jogging with the other boys. It was so hard to wake up until I woke up and then it looked so damn easy. This is the law of Inertia, the same law that Newton had discovered, the same inertia that compels us to wait till the end of our lives for the "right time" to work on our dreams, to make them come true .

We decided to take the longest route from the back of our hostel. Along the sides of the road, there were flame trees with bunches of red flowers. The early morning breeze was pleasant; The sky was faintly gold; Everything was transfixed, only we moved. I felt a deep silence and an absolute clarity of perception. I realized that morning is the best time for making a conversation with self.

We ran across all the eight boys hostels and took the road adjacent to the football ground. We stopped for some time at the NCC building for the smokers had to take some rest and refill their lungs with more smoke. The Girls Hostel was just in front of us.

Utpal was thoughtfully looking at the girls hostel with the cigarette burning between his fingers. Looking at him, I also turned towards the hostel. Gradually, all of us were looking at the girls hostel. That's common in boys, we sometimes do things because we don't know what else to do. Our thoughtful looks actually had nothing inside.

'Today we're going to meet them. Are you not excited?' Utpal asked to break the silence.
We all agreed. His question was as blank as our obvious answers.We were enjoying the blankness of our thoughts in a peaceful morning.

Jahnu however had something else to say: ' What to get excited about? I hate to talk about girls all the time.'

Batuk looked at me with a mysterious smile.  I smiled back to acknowledge his smile & the meaning it carried.

After taking some rest we resumed our jogging. The road splits in two at the NCC building. The straight one goes to the girls hostel but we had to take left, towards the college building. From the college building the road again splits in two. Right one could take us out of the college, but we had to take left, towards our hostel.

As scheduled, we got fresh, had breakfast and went to the college together for our first day classes. We were all very excited. All of us went into the respective sections, we belonged to. Nuraz and Utpal were in my section. We sat together in the third row. Soon the class was filled with boys from different hostels. All looked identical - excited, little tensed, in full shirt - pants & a pair of shining shoes and most importantly, they all had the same hair style. We all had to get our hair cut so short that there was nothing to grab onto. It was called "First Year Cut", a part of the induction process followed across all the hostels.

But, we were still waiting for the girls from Hostel#IX. And our wait was finally over with a surprise. Few girls came inside the class. All of them were dressed up in salwar suits, hair soaked in hair oil, big red hibiscus casually put in their hair and most amusingly all of them had different English alphabets written big and in red color on their foreheads.

The entire class room remained silent for a few seconds and then gradually started to murmur. The girls silently took their seats just in front of ours. When few boys were making jokes on them, Nuraz & Utpal told them to remain silent. I was impressed with them for what they did.

Beneath their make up, they were like the other girls who would have loved to dress up beautifully. Even before they came to hostel, they might have thought about what to wear for the big day today. They might have brought their special ladies bags in which they carried mascara, nail polish, shampoo, conditioners, lipsticks and all other items possibly available in the market. They might have thought about matching colors and so they perhaps bought an extra pair of shoes thinking of a particular combination. They might have thought through numerous questions - How should they do their hair? Should they simply let it down or tie into a pony tail? Should they draw their eyes? Should they put on some light color lipstick which wouldn't catch anyone's eyes and yet would do the magic? Which pair of ear rings should they put on? Should the nail polish match with the shoes or a contrast would be more appropriate?  Those never ending questions might have boggled their minds and didn't let them sleep. Just when they were partially sure on how to get ready for today, this is what they had been instructed to wear by their seniors.We can never understand what pain they are going through, I thought.

Meanwhile a fellow from another hostel moved from the last row and sat beside Utpal. He introduced himself as Manojit.

'The black board was not very visible from where I sat earlier.' Manojit said to Utpal.

'Oh! I know, this is the best place to look at the board,' Utpal said with a smile. This made us laugh. Manojit had smiled too, but he turned little red.

Suddenly, the class was again silent. A young man had just entered the class. He looked about the same age as our super seniors. Though his appearance looked like a student, his attitude was clearly of a teacher. He dropped his bag on the table and started writing on the black board. We were trying to understand his gesture and just when we began to realize that he had actually started taking the most awaited first class on Electrical Engineering, he had omitted a part of his writing to make some space for writing more. We were wondering at the way of his teaching. I referred the book, it had the exact same thing as what he was writing on the board. We didn't bother to jot down anything like few others did. With every minute of his silent writing, our dreams were breaking down. At the end of 45 minutes of writing, he took out his attendance file and started calling the roll numbers. It was the first time he spoke and made us very clear that he is really serious about attendance. In his words, anyone who regularly misses his classes will curse the day he was born. There can't be any excuse.

'This is bullshit,' Nuraz said. 'I expected our Principal or any Senior Professor would come and give an inspiring lecture followed by wonderful lecture on the subject by an expert who would give us examples from his diverse experiences. I was hoping to learn.' Nuraz sighed. So did many of us. He was right, our very first experience was not even mediocre. Our teacher couldn't inspire us, nor he had something to demonstrate, neither he explained anything and he even didn't bother to tell a word. He just wrote what had already been written.

Gradually the day was moving ahead. Our expectations were low after the first class, so mediocrity had become good for us and good had become great. Expectation can sometimes be painful, it's not the same as hope. We were hoping to gain better education but we were not expecting to receive it from anyone anymore. We knew, one can't expect anything in a desert. We were hoping to educate ourselves.

During the day Manojit got friendly with the girls. It is from him that we got to know that the alphabets they wrote on their foreheads were actually the initials of their names.

'The girl with the letter "P" is beautiful.' Utpal said.
'Yes, She is very pretty,' Nuraz agreed.
However, I knew that they were actually not referring to the same girl as Utpal was looking at the girl on my right while Nuraz was looking at the other "P" tagged girl on my left.

Manojit said: You should see "K", "B" and "A" .... They all are perfect.
Manojit had surely noticed all of them.

The entire class was talking of alphabets that day. As if, alphabets had never been so beautiful.
Even while going back to our hostel, we talked about all the alphabets that appeared on the foreheads across all the sections.


to be continued...

My College Days - 04: Finding Friendship, Prejudice & Instincts

Most of our problems in life are not worth crying for. We were learning to laugh at our problems.

After the dinner we all went to sleep. Lying on my bed, I recalled my loved ones and fell asleep.
In the morning, Batuk came to wake me up with a cup of tea.

"Good morning dude! This is a lovely morning."

I woke up slowly, greeted him and opened the window. A beautiful cool breeze had caressed my face like the way a mother does when she wakes up her child. The pearly sun rays had escaped through the flame tree and fell upon the tiny dew-drops on the blades of grass, making them shine. The gentle chirping of birds & the soft earthy smell of air had mesmerized the whole universe. I smiled and looked up in the sky. It is truly a beautiful morning, I thought. I was filled with joy and for a moment everything else were redundant to me.

Meanwhile, Utpal came in and asked us if we wanted to meet the new guys who had just arrived.

'That's great! Let's go!' Batuk cried with excitement.

They were Three: Baldev, Kanu & Jahnu.

Baldev was a small town boy, tall, heavily built & a little unpolished.
Kanu & Jahnu were brothers who were from a small town like ours. However, they were also from the same Sainik School from where Nuraz did his schooling.

Later on that day there were twelve more freshers who joined us in our hostel. We were all very different from each other. We had different faces, attitudes, behaviors, beliefs, values & traditions. With this diversity, we were to figure out how to live through in this new world of ours. There was one thing that was common, we all hated this place.

A senior called up a meeting to tell us the rules that we must follow during our stay in the hostel and some additional rules that we have to follow during the first two months which they referred as induction period. Utpal noted down the rules for the induction period in chronological order:

After the senior left, we all tried to mingle with each other. It was easy for us to build our friendship as we were trying to find a friend in each other instead of seeking one. As Hermann Hesse rightly quoted in his book:

"When someone seeks,then it easily happens that his eyes see only the thing that he seeks, and he is able to find nothing, to take in nothing because he always thinks only about the thing he is seeking, because he has one goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal."

Nuraz told Utpal to readout the rules to all of us again.

Utpal read it out loud:

'Wake up at 5 AM everyday.
Go for jogging and come back only by 6 AM (all together).
Get Fresh and Get Ready.
Wear formal clothes: full shirt, full pants & shoes.
Have breakfast at 7 AM (all together).
Go to your classes at 7:15 AM (all together).
Come back for lunch at 1 PM and go back at 1:30 PM.

Come back to hostel immediately after classes are over and give attendance.

Till 9 PM you'll be assigned different tasks by seniors. Finish it and come for dinner at 9 PM

Daily Meeting at 9:30 PM till 12 AM .

You'll go back at 12 AM. But, you still have to be in full shirt & full pants.

Wake up at 5 AM next morning & repeat the schedule till next 2 months.'

'It's a long list,' Utpal sighed. 'Moreover, Do anybody understand what this daily meeting is? two and half hour meeting doesn't sound nice.'

Nobody knew what was that for and nobody seemed to have cared less. We were all excited & hopeful. That's the power of unity, it brings hope.

We were also excited about the next days classes. We were eagerly waiting to meet more freshers like us from other hostels, especially waiting for the freshers from hostel IX, a beautiful hostel in the bank of our college lake, meant for girls.

We all started sharing our stories, talking to each other, listening to each other and laughing with each other. I introduced myself to Baldev who was looking at everyone else. In very less time he started revealing his fear to me. He was feeling very nervous to talk to anyone as he knew that he was little unpolished. He said that as he was from a very small place, he doesn't know many things.

'Do you want to help me learn and improve myself ? I'll be a good friend to you,' Baldev asked in a little harsh manner.

By now, I understood that he meant 'If I could help him?' & that 'he finds a good friend in me'.  I was amazed by his simplicity. He was unpolished but he was a gem of a person.

Even I am from a small place and I didn't know many things. But, I could never tell it to anyone, I thought.

I enjoyed our conversations. In some context, he was sharing the best moments of his life to all of us:

'It was during the Durga Puja time,' Baldev said and his face became brighter as he continued:

'I along with another friend went to our neighbors place and they offered us the very tasty "Raso Golla". We were very happy. And then we went to the next house. You won't believe, they too offered us the same - "Raso Golla" guys!', Baldev started laughing with excitement. His face was brighter than ever. His story was not as exciting to me. However, his simplicity had brought me the same joy which I had experienced in the morning.  This was indeed his best moment in life, I thought. His excited face looked like a sweet "Raso Golla" to us and we named him "Golla".

Perhaps, it was a bit noisy with twenty boys inside a small room. A senior came rushing into the room and grabbed Baldev by his collar and pulled him close. Baldev was in shock. Senior asked why was it so noisy and before Baldev could speak out anything, he gave him a tight slap across his face. Baldev for some reason did smile but his eyes were all moist. Just a moment before this guy was so happy & excited thinking of the "Raso Gollas" and now he could barely stop his tears from rolling down on his chubby chicks, I thought. When we try to smile instead of crying, our hearts become heavier by thinking of our own bravery. Our lips begin to tremble then and tears roll down. We end up crying like a child who had been scolded in front of a class.

We all consoled him and applauded his bravery. He alone had to take it on every-ones behalf. As it was noisy, we decided to go back to our rooms quickly. However, some of us were yet to get their rooms allotted. We had to share our rooms with them. Batuk decided to stay with me & gave his room to someone.

At night while we prepared to sleep, Batuk sighed and said he got lucky this time. I wondered and asked: Why? What happened?

'Nuraz gave his room to the Sainik brothers and he wanted to come to my room.' Batuk said with a smile.

'So what? What is there to get lucky?'

'Oh! He is from a Sainik School. Don't you know what that means? They are all boys there. I have heard many stories in the past. Let me warn, do not ever bend down to pick up anything from the floor when they are around. That might be a trap, you never know.'

'Oh! You mean they might...'

'Yes, please sleep now. We have a long day tomorrow,'

Batuk had just implanted a doubt in my mind. I couldn't just lie down and sleep. I had questions on how a school can change the instinct of a man? We can change our habits. But, Instincts are God's creation. We are nobody to judge instincts, I thought. But, I was still curious.

Batuk! Batuk!!

He was already asleep.

to be continued...

My College Days - 03: Half Kneel Down & The Iconic Singer

The more I focused on my steps, the more I could walk. I was able to overcome my fear by stepping towards it. The new found courage in me was made of my fear and the steps which I took forward.

WAIT, YOU MORONS! Where are you going? As expected, we were stopped by a senior.

To our room, Sir! Nuraz replied looking at his eyes.

Not any more Morons! Follow me!

His order reminded me of the famous lines from the poem where Alfred Tennyson described how a brigade of 600 soldiers followed their commander to the "valley of death", without questioning or getting discouraged  even when they realized that their Commander was making a terrible mistake.

Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die..

We followed our Commander.

Morons! Come Inside! Meet him, he's my senior and he's super senior to you. Bow down in respect! He demanded.

We bowed in his respect. I noticed that our super senior was wearing two different slippers on his two feet. He was sitting on his bed under which a bunch of "Debonair" magazines were kept. The wall attached to the bed had some mysterious patches. The adjacent wall was clean though. I also noticed some empty beer bottles kept at the corner. Those bottles didn't look good there and they were all empty. I wondered why he didn't dispose them. When I bowed down, I could see a lot more, even the things which were hidden under his bed.

What are you looking at, you whore? It's more than you can count. But, it's only 10% of the total bottles I have had this year.

Hearing this, our commander's eyes were filled with pride for the man who had achieved so much and yet remained so humble to him. He added, our Sir has broken all the previous records and we are still counting.

He was talking about the beer bottles. He saw me looking at them. 50 was only 10% of the total. That means, 'x' is equal to 500, I calculated in my mind. Those bottles were not just empty, they were standing there to narrate another story of transition. All of them were fresher when they came here and they gradually became seniors and the children in them were left at home. They became men.

Introduce yourselves, morons! Commander ordered.

We told our names and addresses and hobbies. We all said the same things but it carried different meanings. Utpal meant he was modest and he was a good listener. Nuraz meant he was bold, confident and he already knew this world better than rest of us. Batuk meant he was a smooth speaker, lively and motivating.

I didn't want to mean that I was worried. But that's what they understood. A child in me was worried of the darkness.

They laughed at my fear. They tried insulting me for I was a child. Commander was not merciful. He punished me with a tight slap. I didn't cry this time. I thought about what Plato had to say on fear:

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."

I forgave myself.

Super-senior applauded our commander for what he did. He then asked us if we can sing?

Batuk & Nuraz were quick to raise their hands. Utpal knew that he can't sing and I was in no mood for singing after I received that slap.

Commander ordered both of us to do "Half Kneel Down". This means, we had to stand on our toes and bend our knees in right angle and raise our hands up.  It was difficult to balance, and was stressful. Singing was much easier, I thought.

Commander asked Batuk to sing any song.

Batuk said, 'Would you know my name'
Then he suddenly shouted: 'If I saw you in heaven?'

I was not able to understand what he meant by that.

What? What are you saying moron? Commander asked.

Batuk told again, 'Would it be the same'
and shouted : 'If I saw you in heaven?'

He closed his eyes and said few more sentences -
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?

He was trying to modulate his voice while speaking. He was out of breath at times. While shouting he used his nostrils to get the high pitch. It sounded as if someone is trying to tune the radio in a low frequency zone. The noise was quite disturbing.

Stop it! Stop it! I can't take it! Super senior shouted.
Commander slapped him for all the torture.

Batuk later revealed that it was a song called "Tears In Heaven" which he was trying to sing. Otherwise, It was hard to believe that there could be a song, so punishing. For a moment, I felt that "half kneel down" was relaxing after he stopped singing. Either the song was a piece of shit or he didn't know how horrible he sings, I thought.

Batuk also had to do half-kneel-down with us.

Now Nuraz cleared his throat. And started singing.
It was a beautiful song. Nuraz was a very good singer. More so because he sang from heart.
Seniors were pleased with his singing and told him to continue while doing 'half kneel down'. Nuraz too had to join us. The decision was unfair. But, it made us happy. By now our legs were shaking. We were hardly able to bear the pain. However, it was hard for us to resist laugh. His singing gradually got deteriorated. Our legs were becoming numb. But thinking of Nuraz, we started giggling.

I recalled a story. There was a king who punished all his guests for bringing fruits as presents on his birthday. King ordered his men to insert the fruits into the respective guest's arses who brought them. The one who brought Apple, cried a lot with pain. The one with Plums also cried. Everyone cried with pain except one person who brought a "Papaya". Kings men pushed the papaya hard inside him. The more they pushed, the more he laughed. They were surprised, and asked how he was able to laugh with so much of pain. On this he replied: the man next to me has brought a Jackfruit. Every-time you pushed, I couldn't resist my laughter thinking of him.

Nuraz gave up singing and then finally cried: Please Sir, I can't do this anymore. And he fell down on his knees. We all fell down after that.

Honeymoon is over guys, tomorrow others will join you and we'll start the trip to hell. Commander dismissed the meeting.

We were not able to stand for a while. The legs were numb. But we laughed till our stomachs hurt. Batuk later told us that seniors do not understand good music. He still believed that his song was good and wanted a confirmation from Nuraz.

I hope you guys have enjoyed my song,

I saw the vein popped up on Nuraz's forehead. He managed to say 'Yes' and left the room before Batuk offered to sing another song.

to be continued...

My College Days - 02: Walking Towards The Hostel

I had a good night's sleep as I was exhausted from the journey of transition.When I was asleep, I felt I was at home. That's the beauty of sleeping, one can be anywhere he wants to be and can do anything he loves to do. Wish we could do the same while we are awake. Wish we could dream with our open eyes. But that's not how we prefer to do. Humans dream while sleeping and shrug it off when they wake up. With open eyes, humans see obstacles which don't let their dreams to fly.

It took me a moment to recall that my life has changed and I am in a hostel now. A place, meant to teach me lessons.

I was feeling hungry after the shower. Meanwhile Utpal came and we both had some snacks that I brought from home. We were hoping to see few more freshers today as classes were to start in two more days.

Utpal seemed to be a nice guy. He was modest. Perhaps he knew about his strengths. He was also a good listener, a quality that makes a person popular everywhere.

Do you smoke Ratul?

His question broke the murmuring of my thoughts.

No! No! No! I don't!

My reply was harsh and perhaps he could feel my disgust for it. I was yet to learn hiding my emotions. It was childish of me to react like I was asked for poison. It's time that I leave that child at home and act like a man. A man should hide emotions. A man should be able to love the last puff of a smoke that burns his lips, more than thousand kisses from the lady he loves.

To make the situation light, I said: I wish today some smoker will join us to accompany you. He smiled. He was trying to listen to something.

Did you hear that? I think someone is calling us?

We both focused.

Yes, someone is calling us. Let's Go, I said.

It was a senior. We both were already standing, we couldn't stand up more in his respect. He said that one more fresher had come with his parents and they wanted to meet us. We went there and had some sweets first. This new guy had super silky hair. Talked very friendly. His shirt had sharp ironed edges that stood up in ridges.

Hello, I am Nuraz. Good to see both of you.

Meanwhile the senior had asked permission to leave. Nuraz's parents were very pleased with the well behaved & loving seniors. Nuraz did his schooling from a "Sainik School". Hostel life was not new to him. He left his home when he was eleven. He already knew this world better than both of us. We talked and discovered that his father was a childhood friend of my father. That was a good consolation for me. We were feeling courageous in Nuraz's company. Soon, Nuraz's parents left him in hostel. He was not broken like we were. He was able to hide his emotions and I was very impressed. He talked about a plenty of things. Mostly about his boarding school. How they got beaten up by seniors? How they made sacrifices for others? How they celebrated Diwali in hostels? How they used to study? and so many things. Utpal & I were silent. Utpal was being modest and I didn't have any such stories to flaunt as I never had dared so much. Once, I & my friends at home were chased by a security guard for bursting crackers at someones place. But that was not even my idea and we all ran away. Nobody got hurt; nobody did sacrifices by taking the blame on themselves; nothing heroic had happened that day. So I kept listening.

Nuraz was well informed and confident. He had seen the outer World more closely. He was answering his own questions and we were not capable of questioning his answers.

How did you study for the Joint Exam?  He asked and then continued: I  actually never thought I'd get selected. I was just not prepared. When I got the exam paper, I then decided to formulate my own equations to solve those problems. I usually do this in the exams as I find it hard to memorize those formulas.

Utpal interrupted this time: But you have to memorize the basic ones at least, like "F = MA". Also, is it not time consuming to formulate an equation while writing exams? I mean, Newton took years to formulate them.

I had to smile to resist my laugh. Nuraz didn't expect that question from him. He seemed to be little upset.

Not really, if you understand the concepts then you can formulate them on your own. Stop the habit of mugging like parrots.

By now, I saw a popped vein on Nuraz's forehead. This guy is very angry, I thought. Utpal too might have noticed the popped vein and stopped continuing on the subject.

Just then, another person entered the room.

Hi Guys! I am Batuk. It's really hot in here. How are you managing dude?

Utpal & I stood up in respect. Nuraz also did so, reluctantly though. Standing up for the first time is difficult. In fact doing anything for the first time is difficult. It's all about the law of Inertia. Nuraz can formulate an equation for this, I thought.

Batuk laughed and said, I am your class mate dude! Please relax!

Nuraz's vein popped for the second time. I wondered, how could someone be so confident? Look at us, we stood up for him. Utpal laughed.

Batuk was full of energy and motivation. Like Nuraz, he had some wonderful stories to tell. We felt even more encouraged. Batuk told us that he was from the city. A place where smart people lived. However, later we got to know that he stayed there for last two years and he was also originally from a small town like ours. People who have stayed away from home, always have wonderful stories to tell, I thought.

Batuk took us outside and said he'll sponsor a good lunch. We were pleased by his generous gesture. After the heavy meal Utpal wanted to smoke. Batuk had a packet of 'Navy Cut'. Nuraz was a occasional smoker and he too joined them. I kept guarding them from the seniors who might consider this as disrespectful.

After sometime we went back to hostel. We four were very different from each other and yet we were so together. We felt like brothers and that feeling grew even stronger with every step we took forward, towards the hostel.

From distant we saw few seniors gathered at the hostel gate. As we moved towards them, my mind started speculating things that terrified my heart. My heart began to pound fast and my intellect became unconscious. So I was worried and got tired even before anything really happened. I felt like I was unable to move further. I stopped. Nuraz told me to be brave and keep walking. Utpal said, don't think too much and just count your steps. Batuk said, before you get hit I'll save you dude, just keep walking. They all told me to walk and assured that no evil can happen.

When will doesn't work, trust does!
I trusted them and stopped speculating things; I just focused on counting my steps.

I walked and we all walked towards the hostel..

to be continued...

My College Days - 01: First Day In Hostel

When the bus started moving, I saw him crying for the first time in 17 years. My heart was already broken and now I had to allow my tears to roll down. My father was going back home and I was all alone in this crowd. We didn't have mobile phones those days, else I could have called my dad and could tell him how much I missed him. Or may be I wouldn't have said that to him but could've talked to him anyways. In this journey, I got to know my father a little more. The day before we started, he took me to the most expensive shop in the town to get me a pair of shirt-pants of my choice. I never had this luxury before. During the last couple of days he kept asking me if I wanted anything else. It felt like, if I had asked for the Moon he would have tried to bring it down for me. But, that assurance was my gift. And I was complacent.

I was wondering where to go? I was allotted a room in my hostel but I didn't want to go back there. My friends at home told me about ragging and I knew what to expect from those boys who treated my father so well as if he was their own father. They told me that there is one more fresher who has come to the hostel the previous day. It gave me a sense of relief. Someone has rightly said that when your pain is unbearable, think of someone who is going through the same suffering. As humans we will always be pacified by the miseries of others.

I thought to go back to hostel and meet this guy who was just like me, all alone. In the campus everyone knew each other but us. That makes us brothers. We humans are always in search of people who share a common hate. However, we might not love the one who shares a common love with us. I assumed, we both hated this new campus, we both hated these boys who knew each other so well and we hated to be distant from our homes.So, that makes us brothers.

I came back to my room and I was thinking whether to ask someone about this other guy who was just like me, all alone. Just then someone entered my room without knocking. I thought it was rude. But then I knew I was in hostel. Things were about to change. I remember my Mother telling it often that I'll learn my lessons at hostel; especially when I used to refuse eating anything for I thought they were not cooked well. However, on the day when we were leaving she didn't say anything like that. Though I didn't eat all the stuff she prepared. So, this bare bodied guy who wrapped a towel around his waist holding a plastic mug in one hand and a cigarette in the other entered my room to teach me a lesson, I thought. He ordered me to introduce myself to him. As I was about to start he interrupted me and then started calling me names for not standing up when he entered. I was emotionally vulnerable. It's not even half an hour that my father left me in this strange place. I couldn't stop my tears for the second time in a day. He shouted again: "don't cry like a child. Else I'll slap you and knock your teeth out!". On this I assembled myself. He called me names again and slammed the door and left.

I actually learnt something. I learnt that I am no more a child in front of the world outside my home. Now I can't outburst with my emotions. I have to learn hiding them. I have learnt that If I ever cry, World might slap me and knock my teeth out.

I also learnt to stand up and pretend respect for a half-naked, rude guy with  no etiquette and who smoked. I had to struggle against the gravitational pull of my ego. But I stood up to pretend respect for him. World is filled with people who live to receive such respect. They need your little help to make themselves feel bigger as they are all half-naked and feel very low about themselves.

Lastly, I learnt a long list of creative adjectives that can be used when one is angry.

He left and I kept thinking: Mum was right. Hostel is very good at teaching lessons.

I was about to sit again and then a guy called my name from outside the door. I opened the door and saw another guy wearing a white full-shirt which was tucked into his black pants well complimented by a pair of shiny leather shoes. He saw me and gave a friendly smile.

Are you Ratul? he asked.

Yes, I am. And you? May I know who you are? I replied.

I am Utpal from first year. I came yesterday. I was looking for you. Where were you? he asked again.

I felt sense of relief. I thought, finally I have someone to talk to in this unknown place. He is the other guy like me. We both hate this place and the people around. We can talk about them. We can talk about how much we hate being far from home, and how much we hate the half naked guy who called me names and the place where people can knock our teeth out if we cry. I'll listen when he talks ill for everything which I hate and he'll listen to me for i'll talk ill about everything that he hates. We both will become best of friends and will start talking about what we love? But we'll mind that we do not fall in love for the same girl. Friends can share common hate.

Hi Utpal, so glad to meet you man! I was also thinking to find you. How do you like the place? I asked.
(I was actually asking, do you hate this place as much as I do?)

He laughed and asked back, how about you? I saw the senior guy entered in your room. I was waiting for him to come out. I also met him yesterday.

Well, in that case you already know how good I feel. I said. We had a good laugh.

And we talked a lot. I told him that I'll take good care of the senior guy if I meet him in my home town. He too assured me the same. The pillars of friendship were getting established.

That day ended and nothing much happened after that.

While I was lying on bed. I again thought of the loved ones at home.
Knowing that there is a place for me to go back if I ever feel like crying is the assurance that will keep me going, I thought. I prayed for their well being and tried to sleep.

That is how the journey of my college life started. A journey that was meant to teach me lessons. Lessons that i'll try to jot down in my blog.

to be continued...

A Horror Story

I am 34 now. Quite old to believe in ghost and to get amused by their stories. When I was young, I had come across many such stories told specially at night. I remember many of them as  they titillated my imagination which in turn shook me with horror. Some of them were told by my father and I still believe them to be true as he himself does. In this post I am narrating one of those stories which never escaped from my imagination...

This was during the year 1949. My father was about 7. My Grandfather was out of station. There were only 3 people in that old - Assam type house with gabled tin roof. Grandma, her 7 years old and the infant who was sleeping in the other room separated from kitchen by a wide courtyard. Grandma was making some "Pitha" for my father who was sitting besides her in the kitchen. The walls of the kitchen were made of bamboo. The wall in front of the stove was broken and there was a little hole at the bottom. It was not a new moon night, but it was as dark. It had been raining since 3 days now. Tonight it was raining with hail. The hail on the tin roof was pleasantly noisy.

My father was eagerly waiting for the "Pitha". When it was ready and Grandma was just about to serve, they heard a cat crying outside. Grandma saw the paw of the cat inserted through the hole on the wall. The crying became louder. Grandma felt as if it was asking for "Pitha". She offered one and the cat pulled the "Pitha" outside and had it. Again, it inserted its paw inside through the hole. Crying was even louder this time, but Grandma decided to shoo the cat with a stick. The cat became furious and started crying loudly & started banging on the wall as if it'll break the wall. My father got really scared. That chilled thunderous night had added to the fear. Grandma felt helpless & tried hard to shoo it away. The cat was able to widen up the cracks on the wall. Grandma finally splashed some hot oil on the cat through the hole. At this it screamed even louder and it didn't sound like a cat this time. It sounded like a woman. It  was banging on the upper part of the wall which was beyond the reach of a cat. Grandma immediately grabbed her son and said it's not just a cat, it's something else. She started running to the other room where the baby was sleeping. The scream was still audible in-spite of the noisy hails...

Bala Gopala

Natkhat Govind hain 

Bala Gopala 

Mor mukut dhari

Nanda lala

Makhan Chor hain

Nanha gwala

Bansi bajaye wo

Murli wala

Sundar kanha mora

Nayan vishala

Bhushan banmala 

Shyam Kala

Rash rachaye Krishna 

Radha lola

Brij ka pran hain 

Vrindavan wala

The Little Box Of Happiness

I was seven then, two years younger to my sis 'Moni'. My father was recently posted in this new place where we didn't have any friends so far. Moni & I used to play together. I had two more siblings though. But, they were too young to play with us. Moni was very creative and always had wonderful ideas. It was for her that we had made our small fish pond in the backyards. We used to take care of those little fish by feeding them and by replacing the pond water. We also had our small kitchen garden where we grew peanuts and grams. The mango tree in the backyards had an in-built tree house on which we used to climb and sit for hours.

We had plenty of things to play with but we still tried new things every day. As a child one never gets tired of exploring. One day we found a box made of ply in our store room. It had that nice smell of newly painted house. It was clean and big. Big enough for two of us to get into it. We pulled it out and placed it near our pond. Moni told me to bring some raw tamarind and salt. Idea was to get into that box and get cozy and then enjoy the tangy tamarind with salt under the sun. We passed the whole afternoon eating the tamarind and talking about ourselves inside that box . We were filled with great joy when we came out of the box after sometime. This was another idea that worked. We often did this for next few months till the box became small for two of us.

I often remember it when I come across the smell of newly painted house; our box carried the same smell.
Now when I look back, I wonder what was there inside that little box which made us so happy? 

Lullaby

Oh light of my heart
go to sleep
Your daddy is here
Now you go to sleep

In your happy dreams
Let us meet again
I'll bring you the stars 
Climbing up the rain

We'll ride on the cloud
which looks like a Bear
We'll fly through the sky
And we'll never fear

On reaching the fairy land
We'll land on a chocolate tower
I'll play the rhymes you love
And you'll dance like a flower

You'll meet little friends there
You'll play the whole day
You'll eat up all the candies
and you'll again go to play

When it'll become dark 
we'll come back home
You'll give Mumma a kiss
As she was alone

You'll tell her about our story
Tell her what we did
Promise her that we'll take her too
When she is asleep

Now that you know my princess
There's so much we get
Let's go to sleep darling
Let us not wait...

Why NAMO Happened?

This is what happened when I see it my way. It's not perfectly in chronological order. But I hope it'll make some sense to you: 

It goes like this:

Miss Governance…

Puppet PM…

Scams …

Congress played secular…

India watching…

Anna happened…

Swiss bank numbers emerged…

Jan Lokpal movement…

Youth India joins…

Congress played secular…

India hoping some change…

Riots happened…

Owaisi happened…

Threats happened…

Polarization happened…

Modi happened…

Rahul happened…

Modi talked about development…

Rahul did comedy…

Congress played more secular…

India watching & hoping but confused…

AAP happened…

Anna diluted…

Dreams bloomed…

Youth India saw direction…

Modi talked more about development…

Rahul did more comedy…

Congress played more secular…

India watching closely, analyzing moves, dreaming of corruption free developed India…

Delhi happened…

AAP formed Govt…

Congress shattered…

Modi talked more about development…

Rahul did more comedy…

Congress played more secular…
AAP played non-corrupt...

India dreaming of corruption free developed India…

Delhi messed up…

AAP never stopped Dharnas…

Heights of political drama…

Politically incorrect statements from AAP…

Modi talked more about development…

Rahul did more comedy… 
Kejriwal did dharna… 
AAP played non-corrupt...

Congress played more secular…

India watching with frustration…

AAP Govt. dissolved suddenly for non-issue…

AAP declares lok sabha elections…

AAP displayed greed…

AAP played non-corrupt & secular…

Modi talked more about development…

Rahul did more comedy…

Kejriwal did more dharnas…

Congress played more secular than ever…

India decides…

                                                                               ***